Often at work or home, when a problematic situation arises, there is a conversation you are not having that is keeping you from accomplishing the result you want. Typically, in these situations, there are varying opinions, and emotions are intense. Faced with this, we can do one of three things:-
- avoid having the conversation
- have it and mishandle it, or
- have the conversation and handle it well.
A sign that we haven’t handled such a conversation well is when people resort to silence or violence! Silence when we withdraw, stop communicating our position, and violence when we get aggressive and verbally attack each other’s ideas or feelings.
Learning how to deal with these types of difficult conversations constructively in any situation with nearly anybody is possible. It is a skill, and we can all get better at it. Listed below are the 7 steps for having constructive dialogue:
- Ask yourself, ‘What is my motive’? Focus on what you want for yourself, the other person, and how do you want your relationship with them to be. Avoid ‘either/or’ thinking by approaching with ‘and.’
- Pay close attention to how you are feeling and what you observe in the other person. Notice when the conversation has become awkward, e.g., they have withdrawn or start to get angry or upset.
- Work hard to make it psychologically safe, achieved by committing to establishing mutual purpose and respect between you.
- Master your stories by separating facts from the story you are telling yourself. Beware not to play the role of ‘victim’ or ‘villain’ or the ‘helpless one.’
- Be explicit about what you want by sharing your facts and story. Check-in with the other person to discuss if you are talking about the real issues, or is this the symptom of a bigger problem?
- Explore others’ paths. What is their perspective on the situation? Check-in with yourself to see if you are actively exploring their views.
- Move to action and discuss how will you both make decisions? Who will do what/when/follow up?
Having a difficult conversation with a work colleague can be daunting and it can feel like the stakes are high. Yet, the consequences of not having it or having it badly can be higher.
Adapted from Crucial Conversations: Switzler, Grenny, McMillan
