Many of us are inclined, at times, to think in ways that are irrational and self-defeating. Our thoughts are like an inner voice, reflecting our perceptions of what is happening in our world. Most of the time, we are not conscious of our thoughts – they go on in the background of our mind.
However, if we pay attention, we can often identify some of their contents. By tuning into our thoughts, we can learn to identify those that are irrational or biased. Sometimes just recognising that our thoughts are unreasonable enables us to see things differently.
Alternatively, we may need to challenge them more vigorously, particularly when they lead us to feel bad. In the book Change Your Thinking, Sarah Edelman highlights some thinking errors common in negative thinking patterns.
One thing that irrational beliefs have in common is that they are absolutist. In other words, we believe that things “should” or “must” be a certain way. This lack of flexibility has been called “demandingness.” For example:
The common tendency to exaggerate the negative consequences of our life situations (also referred to as catastrophising) means believing that something is awful or catastrophic, even though, in most cases, it is undesirable or unpleasant.
A tendency to see things in a polarised way. Either good or bad while ignoring the middle ground. It is the inability to recognise that most situations are neither fantastic nor disastrous, but somewhere in between.
When we overgeneralise, we draw negative conclusions about ourselves, other people, and life situations based on limited evidence. Sometimes, just one experience is all it takes for us to start thinking in terms of always, never, everybody.
When we personalise, we feel responsible for things that are not our fault. We assume that other people’s responses are about us. The challenge not to personalise is even more significant when someone behaves rudely toward us.
Negative beliefs about ourselves, other people, and the world can bias how we perceive many of our experiences. For instance, we may find ourselves focusing on just the negative elements of a situation while ignoring all other relevant information.
Many of us can draw negative conclusions, despite limited evidence to support those conclusions. We may assume the worst when things are wrong or interpret other people’s comments or motives in the most negative light.
This is a specific type of jumping to conclusions, based on the assumption that we know what other people are thinking. While sometimes we are correct, in so many instances, we get it wrong. Experience shows that people are nowhere near as judgemental about us as we presume.
Things go wrong in our lives from time to time, people let us down, and unforeseen mishaps occur. While some people are particularly good at accepting disappointments and human imperfections, others tend to blame and condemn people for their faults. The problem with blaming is that it creates bitterness and resentment and does not solve our problems. Blaming people can be disempowering if it prevents us from taking action to change our situation.
The way we think about our perceived flaws determines whether or not we feel diminished by them. Sometimes it is rational and appropriate to tell ourselves, “that was a silly thing to do,” “I made a bit mistake.” In contrast, we label ourselves as an idiot, failure, no good, stupid, lazy, or loser. While some individuals are inclined to label themselves, others use labels for others, for example, loser, jerk.
Some people habitually focus on negative possibilities – failure, rejection, loss, pain, or catastrophe. Self-talk about imminent disasters expressed in thoughts of “what if.” For instance, “What if I lose my job and can’t pay my bills?”, “What if I make a fool of myself in front of all those people?”, “What if I get sick and can’t work anymore?” “What if I don’t know anyone and have no one to talk to?” “What if I can’t find somewhere to park the car?” By focusing on the possibility that things might go wrong, we make ourselves anxious in the present moment and lose our ability to engage fully with the world around us.
Many people appraise their status, success, and personal worth by comparing themselves with others. People may limit the comparisons to members of their peer group – friends, family, people their age, or those they went to school with. Or make comparisons with a broader group, including the rich and famous – media personalities, movie stars, business moguls, and even politicians. Comparing ourselves can make us feel inadequate or bitter, as invariably there are people who do better than us in any given area.
Catching ourselves when our thoughts have become irrational, negative, or biased is a constructive step in improving our internal dialogue and communication with those around us.